How A Velociraptor Celebrates Christmas

Step One: Buy Santa suit. As I warned everyone before, the white of a velociraptor Santa suit never stays white for very long--it gets stained with blood and the darkness from their souls.

Step Two: Buy Santa sack, to carry home the humans in.

Step Three: Go down chimneys, in through windows and doors, and kill humans, stuffing them into sack.

Step Four: Come home, sit baby raptors upon knee, and, while sharing the goods, tell about the very first Christmas...

"Well, little raptors," says Daddy Raptor, "It was a great day for all. We had heard that humans actually expect things to come into their houses on this day. It was a miracle, the first Christmas miracle. With the world asleep, we made our first Christmas meal. Here's to the first Christmas!"

If you did not read my earlier post, I strongly suggest you do so. I put in a very detailed depiction of Santa Raptor vs Santa Claus, as the two in their hats look eerily similar in the dark. Memorize the differences. And buy those bazookas.

Merry Christmas Eve!!!

Today Is Not My Birthday.

But yesterday was. I'm officially 21.

That means I can go out and buy myself a drink. Except not because my license just expired today.

In other news, a velociraptor was sighted consuming a cornfield just last week. You all thought it was aliens leaving the signs didn't you, didn't you? Another government ploy to distract us from the real threat. The farmers have taken no steps towards preventing this--that would be suicide, if there are even any left alive. Just imagine: A velociraptor horde completely concealed in a cornfield. Terrifying. Let that image rest in your mind, think of the quiet field, the stalks blocking out all peripheral vision. You are lost in the maze and there is a sound...was it the wind? You call out. Then try to swallow your sounds from the air because maybe its better if whatever is out there doesn't know you're in here. Its too late. They can smell you...

....

.....

Sweet dreams tonight!

Kristen wanted me to draw her beating up Lady Gaga

I know, I know: Mad Skills. That's what I have.

Associated Members

My school hosts free concerts in the dining area. There seems to be a rule though: If you walk in alone, people stare at you searching, are you sure you belong here? they say. Are you properly associated with this band? Their stares make me feel unwanted, foreign. Or maybe I only think they are searching because I have this overbearing loneliness that started in my chest and crept through to my thoughts.

Associated. The posters and the band t-shirts are all there to buy so that students can associate with something. We must associate. We have a need to associate ourselves with other people, other things. We don't walk the world speaking of things no one else likes or has heard of. We like to be reassured that they have heard of it too. I like this band, I advertise for it on my shirt. You see my shirt and you mention that you too know that band. You associate yourself with something I like. I feel associated with. We become associates. That can lead to friendships.

Friendships are better because in a friendship we are not simply associating, we are sharing. I share myself with you, my friend. We are always wanting to share ourselves. Wanting to tell about ourselves and wanting to hear about others. We want to share and we want to be shared with. That is how we love.

Love is the ultimate form of sharing. Sharing not simply our ideas and likes, our associations, but ourselves. Sharing our bodies, sharing our hearts. That's what we want the most. It is why we associate. So we can share. So we can love.

The music played behind me. I sat alone. Disassociated. Until a friend came by to say hello. And we talked about a class, class being a way we could associate with each other.



The other night when I was walking back to my dorm I saw a light post in the snow, driven there by a snow plow. I was surprised to see it was lit. As I got closer, the light went out. I stood beside it and told it I do believe in fairies, I do and it got brighter. I left it there, a light struggling between brightening more and dying out altogether.

Penguin Velociraptor Llama Kill

I was thinking that it might be a good idea to come up with steps for escaping a velociraptor in the event that one might be caught alone and unawares and be lucky enough to only have to deal with one dinosaur (all highly unlikely, but they prepared for nuclear bombs by climbing under school desks, so what the heck, yes?)

Step One: Assume velociraptor like pose. Raise arms to chest level, hands hanging down to give the illusion of long claws, mouth open in a growl. This will confuse the dinosaur: it will wonder what you are doing and give you a moment to perform step two.

Step Two: Slowly reach into backpack and remove bazooka. Oh you don't have a bazooka? You're screwed.

Step Three: Tell the raptor it is now your captive and that you will be using it as leverage in making it out alive from the velociraptor horde. It will understand this to mean that you have something large on your shoulder pointed at its chest. Show raptor what bazooka can do by blasting a tree. This will startle the velociraptor that was creeping up behind you. Take out fake human arm from backpack and throw it behind you to distract the creeping raptor. Begin to move in a circle a la standoff with the original raptor. The tree you blasted will have begun to fall. Wait for the creak of the last remaining bark to snap. The fall will most likely get the third raptor that was in the bushes or at least give it an obstacle. Blast the velociraptor that went after the fake arm. Now the first raptor knows you mean business. It will cock it's head at you. You will cock the bazooka at its head. Whatever you do, don't run. Always be in a continuous circular motion, widening slightly your circle inch by inch.

Step Four: Take out your lighter and light it. The sudden small flame will startle the velociraptor. While it is confused, blast the raptor that has now gotten free from the fallen tree. Smother the raptor in gasoline from backpack and light it. There is nothing a velociraptor hates more than the smell of velociraptor flesh burning. It drives it mad, visions of the original Armageddon that terminated the velociraptor race will flash through its mind. This is your chance. While chaos ensues and the horde is overcome with brain malfunctions, run. Now is the proper time for running.

Step Five: You are running. Be sure to put bazooka on safety before running. You have approximately three minutes to make it half a mile from the velociraptor horde before they will gain composure and chase after you with a vengeance. You have escaped with your life, but not without the entire velociraptor race carrying a vendetta against you. Once you have gained the half mile, send a signal out to your army. The war is on.

Noms!!!!!

I had a fantastic Thanksgiving with people I didn't know but instantly liked. I've grown used to sitting on the couches of strangers and acting like I belong. This might be a good thing?

I am so thankful Sarah took me home with her. We spent the week/weekend attacking Bowser and his minions and dancing with her mom. My arms are so sore. Her dad says I am the cat whisperer: her antisocial cat curled up and kept me warm all night. Basically I am the cat whisperer. Stray cats seem to find me...

Once I stepped out of a car and a cat came to me from the darkness. Another time I kidnapped a cat, that was willing to come with me, and took it to In N Out, because where else would cats want to go? And yet another time, a cat that was apparently the neighborhood terror climbed into my lap voluntarily. Visions of Cat Woman being eaten by cats so as to achieve nine lives flashed through my head. As did Christoper Walken. They put so much makeup up on him in that movie. Love Tim Burton.

So basically I think I should and probably will have a cat army. It is better than a shark army. Sharks aren't very bright and they are in constant need of water--apparently evolving the muscular legs and being on fire does not keep them from needing water. (I actually think they don't like being on fire, sad times: I like lighting things on fire.) This means they are too much of a hassle. Now cats are more scrappy. I heard of a cat living inside a sofa for two weeks. This is what I need in my army. And I'm pretty sure I've seen a cat carrying a flamethrower. A+.

Death by Kidney Failure

I spent last week battling sickness, but finally succumbed to the inevitable on Friday morning, when I couldn't stand up straight and had to hobble around, and went in to the health center for drugs (They told me in the past, in the condition I was in, they would've sent me to the hospital. But with today's awesome drugs, I didn't have to go, yay! I did have to suffer kidney seizures.) As I hobbled around campus, I had a vision of myself as that old woman who voyagers walk up to and ask for prophelific advice--like I would give them three identical sticks and ask them to choose and then give them a parable about how their choice means they will become king or something. But no one came up to me. I blame this on the fact that I didn't have a cane. Or three sticks.

Anyways I'm feeling a lot better now, which brings me to my next and latest thought on velociraptors: marriage.

I was talking to a friend, about something I no longer remember, and somehow we got on wedding dresses and vampires and I remember exclaiming "velociraptors in wedding dresses!" (I said a lot of stuff that I don't clearly remember this week due to being in a fever/pain/dying haze.) Obviously velociraptors have very ceremonious weddings, the kind I'll have to think up later when I don't have a 7-10 page paper to write, but I wanted to put that image in your head: velociraptors wearing wedding dresses. I'm sure I'll try, and fail, to draw this at some point this week. Stay tuned!

I would also like to leave you with this image: Earwigs in wigs.

I was at a dinner party thing last night and somehow the universal hatred and disgust towards earwigs entered the conversation and all I could think about was earwigs wearing wigs and somehow this made them less scary. I shared the image with the group and a few shared my sentiment; give them wigs, they become more understandable, or relatable. Or something. I mean, imagine them, wandering around, a Cher wig in place, worrying about the wind blowing it off, talking to each other about the latest wig style.

And then it hit me: earwigs in wigs in my army. It would be perfect. They would be in hiding and then whip off their wigs and attack.

So yes, velociraptors in wedding dresses and earwigs in wigs. Happy Sunday.

Kristen said I am not an Artist

Faces might be the easiest thing to draw. People are always looking for faces, seeing them even where they are not. Picasso miserably--and beautifully--distorted faces yet still people looked and saw the face he had created. I can draw a face and my audience will see a face because we all are looking for faces. In crowds of strangers, I look for people I might know, people who might look somewhat familiar. At my university, thousands of miles away from my high school, three years since I've seen these people, I get pangs of recognition at a face before I realize that person, whom I am remembering and recognizing on a strangers face, is 1700 miles away.

Once, I walked into a classroom here my freshman year and saw a girl sitting by an empty chair and a strong dislike rose up within me. I realized after the class that I was associating her with a girl from my high school. Bizarre.

Lately, with my high school memories fading, it doesn't happen as much. The other week I was talking with friends from high school and they were naming all these people and showing me all these faces and I recognized none fully and some vaguely. In part this is because I really lived in my own happy world in high school and didn't pay attention much to people around me who I found uninteresting. But people who had profound meaning to me, who if I saw now I might not recognize, if I see their face upon another's, the face I remember from high school, I'll have that remembrance feeling before I remember that I am forgetting where I am now.

Drawling.

So when I am lonely, I can't really sleep. Or I just don't actually try to sleep. But this does not matter, because instead I drew a picture on a totally awesome online 'PAINT' I found. It is a very basic rendition of the scene I imagined the other day in class. I spent more time on the velociraptor, and the sharks didn't fit so I'll have to draw them later. But notice me with my sword. My face says "badass" right? Yes. And notice the broken window, desks strewn about, someone in the fetal position, hair burnt off by sharks on fire. Yes.

 

 Alright, get ready for this.

Are you ready?

It will keep you up at night.

K.

ADD

I was sitting in class today, spacing out as usual and simply nodding to my classmates as they talked. Most of the time when I am not paying attention, I am usually just lost in a vortex of empty space within my head, but occasionally I am actually thinking about something, or writing something.

Today I was imagining what it would be like for a raptor to suddenly come into my class. I was imagining the panic that would ensue, how people might respond. Desks being flung about. Fear causing people to forget how to open the door and instead smashing through windows. Sharks waiting outside. Sharks with legs. I don't know how they got legs but they did and they were there, thousands of miles inland because they could smell the blood and the raptor and came. They also had wings. That was how they got there so fast. And fire. Just things bursting into flame at random. Winged Sharks on fire.

In my head, it was pretty epic. A battle ensued. Me and the raptors versus the sharks. I had a sword, and a helmet. And at one point I took off the helmet and said to the head shark, "I am no man." (hehe LOTR)

That's right. Women with sword beats shark. And then I took one of the sharks captive, to train to be in my army.

It's gonna be an epic battle raptors.

Velociraptor: Deception

Alright, in the interest of saving the world from fake Santas, here is a velociraptor disguised as Santa:

And here is the real Santa:

Notice the difference. Real Santa probably does not have murder in his eyes. Probably. Velociraptor Santa has a cheap red sweater on and couldn't get white puff balls because it is full of death. And it probably has blood stains on it's teeth.

VELOCIRAPTOR HUG!

does this almost make me a real person?

I have no idea what I am doing. I started reading blogs, somewhat obsessively, and got it into my head that I must have one.

So here I am...

I think I can mostly blame my roommate for this. When we were getting ready for bed the other night, she put the idea into my head that our lives might be somewhat interesting and that we might feasibly have a blog. I assumed this meant people might what little anecdotes about my life. Here is anecdote one:

Zombies don't stand a chance against Velociraptors.

My university recently played a game title Humans vs Zombies. The campus was filled with people strapped all over with nerf guns, nerf swords at the ready, yellow armbands--to signify the fact they were human and therefore not 'infected'--and yellow headbands--signifying zombie. Zombie's weren't allowed weapons, only Humans were. Which makes sense. Zombies have nothing to live for.

The game provided ample entertainment. A group of Zombies were in my dorm's lounge, loudly planning an ambush of a group of Humans that were going to be leaving an academic building--or safe zone--in the near future when suddenly one Zombie began yelling 'HUMAN HUMAN' and the entire pack took off after their victim. I was very pleased with this.

This brought to my attention, however, the very real danger of a Zombie apocalypse actually happening: what steps should I take in this event? As I sat thinking, I remembered an unsuccessful event that happened here my freshman year, called Velociraptor Awareness Day. Students put up posters all over campus, warning people of the danger of these dinosaurs and giving possible escape plans and routes including: "There are none. Velociraptors will get you." Unfortunately the posters were quickly removed and all trace of the warnings were gone. Why else would this happen if a Velociraptor Apocalypse were not, in fact, very close at hand? and the government is trying to hide this from us? and Zombie Apocalypse is a decoy?

Zombies give us somewhat of a chance to fight against, but we have no chance with velociraptors. They will take over your ships, and helicopters, and radios. They probably have evolved opposable thumbs. They will outsmart your zombies before the zombie has a chance to look at it and peel off some flesh.

I suppose I felt a calling to write about the need to prepare for a velociraptor apocalypse. Perhaps we might be able to befriend them. Without a doubt, we can't outsmart them, or outfight them. They will come, in the night, when you are in your pajamas. They will come down your chimney disguised as Santa Claus.

I should probably put up a picture here, so that you are able to tell who is Santa and who is actually a velociraptor in disguise. I will once I get on another computer. This is crucial, of course, with the holidays so close.

I'm a little terrified that I just spent a good amount of time writing on a blog that may or may not be seen by a velociraptor. I'm also weirded out by what people are supposed to do on blogs anyways.

Good luck in the face of impending doom.