Velociraptor: Dating

Side note time!
Velociraptor females lead the horde (I think it is basically the whole "queen ant/bee" idea). To understand in full what a female led horde of velociraptors is like, you need to read The Black Jewels Trilogy by Anne Bishop. Yeah. Its like that. The book is actually an incredibly strange view of what a world might look like if it had been run by females since the dawn of time. I remember the first time I read the series I was really trying to smoosh myself into a Christian mold of "femaleness" and in my sad little head I thought "Ah, I see, the world run by females would be disastrous I suppose..." *sad face*. Oh but it wouldn't, and read the book. Females freaking rule in it. And do some serious damage. And there is an incredible flip of God and Satan and demons and hell and death and dang I need to read it again and do another post on it that does more justice.

Anyways... Velociraptor Dating
Instead of flowers, they give little creatures like this guy:

Yeah, because velociraptors are bosses and have pets. This is what the creature looks like in the flesh. Believe it. So cute.

Oh, yes, they are known to eat their pets. 

That is a good way to start of a velociraptor date, the gift of a small creature that might be a tasty snack before dinner, or at least something to play with before dinner.

Velociraptors always make dinner for a first date. Well, bring dinner. No self respecting raptor is going to make their date venture out on a hunt for a first date. The male raptor, in his attempt to impress the female, usually brings a morsel that is enough for four, to show off his strength and so as to not appear cheap. The leftovers are sometimes given to the pet, if the pet survived that far. 

After dinner, the two raptors must engage in a wrestling match. It is a vicious fight, but also a dance. The pair face off, claws sharpened (the only thing a female raptor does before a date is sharpen her claws) and tails whipping for balance and to build momentum for the spring into the deadly battle. The female, being the stronger sex in this species, is expected to win; but the male is fighting for his life. If the male does win, the two will part, as that is a sure sign that their children will be weak. When the female wins, she has a choice: If the meal was satisfactory, and the male fought well, she won't kill him. If, however, he dissatisfied her, it is customary for the female to then dispose of the male. This is why it is rare for a velociraptor to go on a date. 

A Velociraptor Valentine

If velociraptors have any concept of what this day is, then I am sure they are pleased that it has much to do with killing. In fact, I am sure they are quite confused as to the human appreciation for the day. They must read through our history books and wonder that a day upon which multiple men of this name were martyred is a day we celebrate with roses and chocolates--not that velociraptors have any idea what chocolates are. And of course they can read (look, they somehow came back from the dead, therefore who's to say they can't read?) (I wonder if chocolate could be a way to win them over...)

But a velociraptor Valentine would look like...nonexistent. Dead roses everywhere. It is truly a massacre. (And I say this with a little dread, and refusing to think about the real St Valentine's Day massacre...oh humanity...*shudders*)

There, now I am truly in the spirit of the day. No? Alright, a velociraptor Valentine could possibly look like a Jewish Christmas. Or an atheist celebrating Easter. Weak comparisons...a velociraptor Valentine would actually look authentically like the day of the real Valentines of old, minus anyone sacrificing themselves for their religion, unless their religion is in someway affiliated with velociraptors needing to be destroyed and the person dies while in the process of trying to kill the raptors rather than running or deciding velociraptors are friendly...

Happy Day of Martyrdom Everyone!

What to do when a velociraptor does not immediately eat you.

In the event that a velociraptor does not immediately eat you, be cautious of the fact they may be waiting for more of the horde to come because perhaps it is not hungry but its friends are. Yes, studies show velociraptors can have friends. If you are feeling the way you felt when the Discovery channel compared great white sharks to wolves in that they travel in packs then you are feeling correctly: terrified. But there is, as always, another side to this nightmare: Maybe we can ally with them...

Therefore, in the event that a velociraptor does not immediately kill you, build a bonfire. Make sure your movements are slow so that the velociraptor does not think you are about to throw fire on it (although of course your flame thrower will be within easy reach). The fire is in the very likely chance that more raptors are coming. If more raptors do come, I suggest then flinging yourself into the fire, and then running, guns all firing, on fire through the forest. Most likely the raptors will not follow you. You are on fire. You are like a demon. And hopefully you remembered to wear your flame suit...the one that catches fire but protects your skin. Hair will grow back. Be sure to pull down flame proof mask.

But in the chance that you have come across a raptor who is not with its horde and for some reason is not eating you, then a very real and amazing thing may be happening, and, if you have the guts to do this very suicidal thing, try to communicate with it, as it is trying to communicate with you. Befriend the raptor? No, I'm not crazy. But there may be something in them that is waiting to tell us something...because there is another threat coming, friends, and the raptors may be wanting allies as much as we do...