Spam Poetry Take I

I run a blog for my company, and we get a lot of terrible spam. Spam tries to look like real comments by using trigger words, and often it comes very close to almost being a sentence. I feel like the spam is trying to tell me something, if I only listen close enough...

I've become rather attached to the spam comments, keeping them stashed on my desktop now for the past few weeks, and I will often read them out to a coworker when I get the chance. The readings evolved into a kind of theatrical moment for me, as though I was reading from someone's secret diary. I became inspired to make them into more than what they were, and give them the life they'll never have, by turning them into odd poetry.

So here's my first poem (the first poem I've written since college) and every line and word is from a spam comment. I took very few liberties, just let lines from my ten favorite comments jump out at me. I've gotten five poems so far, but I'll share my least favorite with you here, just to see how you like the thing.

Spam Poetry: Access Consistently (titles are from the comments as well)

I simply stumbled upon

Accession.

Capital.

Even faced with the impossible,

Happiness exists inside

Consequent health ramifications

Including nerologogical disorders.

Use smudge sticks.

How to defeat a T-Rex in a Staring Contest

1. Bring Meat. 
1. Did you bring meat? We're talking the equivalent of fish and blood offered to around ten great white sharks--or more accurately, an actual Megalodon. Only instead of fish bring cows. If you didn't bring meat, you won't even see step two because you're already dead.
2. Ride in on a Brachiosaurus
1. What, you thought you could have a contest from your meager height of 5'6" while you're on the ground? You're the one who didn't bring meat, aren't you.
3. Breathe fire.
1. This step is really only for professionals and/ or those who read my blog. I'll teach you sometime.
4. Don't close your eyes.
1. This last step seems like it'd be obvious, but I had to remind you to bring meat, so you're common sense is already in question.

And there you have it. So what else do you need answered?

Follow Your Heart...

...says the wrapper of my Dove dark chocolate pieces, the lyrics of unremarkable and outrageously popular pop songs, and (probably) every movie I ever watched as a child.

To them I say: NO.

My heart is usually only asking me to do one or two things: Drink Wine. Eat Chocolate.

Or even: Eat Chocolate. Drink Wine.

Sometimes it wants me to do both while reading, but I spend more money on books, less on wine and chocolate; the equation becomes disproportionate.

But I cannot drink wine and eat chocolate endlessly whilst reading delicious books. And that makes the phrase "follow your heart" rather misleading--unless, it is meant to dissuade people from achieving success and social acceptance, in which case to those perpetrators of the phrase I say, "Well played."

Hey There, Star Kittens.

I'm officially a writer. I noticed this today, as I published more work to my company's website.

Maybe I've been a writer this whole time. Maybe all the stories and tales of dinosaurs posted within this blog make me a writer. Or maybe the work I did as a college undergrad made me a writer. I don't know.

I do know that you can find my writings on over 200 websites and news sources. And while they're only Press Releases--meant to be reclaimed by the very sources that re-post them--a lot of them have kept my words, words from my technical self that wants to spread news about the industry I work in.

But, my lovely Star Kittens, that's not enough for me. I'm going to publish a book.

In fact, I'm already working on it. And I want you to check it out.

So, should I post bits of chapters here or on a new blog? It is not about raptors (unfortunately) but it is a fantasy book dedicated to humor (like this blog, in a way, but more focused--yet somehow still random...)

Give me your feedback. I'm going to be putting together a Twitter as well in the next few weeks, which I will link here. And maybe I will start a Vlog, so you can see my awkward face as I gush about my aspirations and dinosaurs.

Thanks Star Kittens, you truly are marvelous.