I dreamed about velociraptors in Valencia Town Mall last night. But they were the size of dogs and spunky and someone was ripping their hearts out. And a bear had learned to use the elevator.

Ghosts.

Walking among the remains.

I started my morning by running around in my underwear, screaming "DINOSAURS OH MY GOSH DINOSAURS!" The running included an impromptu little jig atop my mother's bed while she stood in her bathroom brushing her hair. I was so excited I just could not finish getting ready. Because today I went to the new dinosaur hall at the LA Museum of Natural History.

Walking among the remains of the dead sounds morbid. Staring at their disconnected vertebrae in a display case sounds sick. Standing beside their skulls and smiling for a picture is just plain disrespectful. All this I thought about as I walked into the exhibit, and completely disregarded as soon as the first creature was seen, raising its head over the crowd of jumbling humans.

It was like a dream. I knew I was seeing and yet it seemed unimaginable. These beasts had to survive in a world of violence and natural catastrophe. I stood entranced, enthralled, overwhelmed. I think I could almost sense the dedication gone into uncovering their skeletal remains, and it made me love them though I was terrified. I am a sucker for the complex and beautiful machinery, and nothing is so beautiful and complex as a dinosaur.

"What happened, you guys!?!?!"
To begin with, fossilization blows my mind. Minerals filling in the bone cavity as it decays away and staying preserved like that beneath the ground--I just feel like someone left it there, just knew we'd want to see it 25 million years later. It feels so unlikely, the whole process, doesn't it? When we are really left with so very few human remains from the first of us to evolve 4 million years ago. But dinosaurs, who roamed the earth long before humans made their first steps, are scattered over our continents. And I am so glad they are.

There is something so extraordinary about them. What the hell happened to them!? I kept hearing the most popular theories of their demise, but none of it really explained why so many are found in clumps, does it? Or why they are found with things inside of them, like fetuses, partially digested food, rocks even.

And we have to speculate about their bone structure because the bones aren't found all nicely connected. We get things wrong, and correct them, and a whole understanding of a certain dinosaur, previously accepted, becomes irrelevant. When I got home I watched Jurassic Park III, which has a spinosaurus in it, a dinosaur I assumed Spielberg or someone had made up. According to the Discovery Channel, however, the dinosaur is real. The problem is, the only known complete fossil of it was destroyed during WWII. Which is why you don't really hear much about the spinosaurus, as our entire understanding of it is based off of the German scientist's journal.

Knowing this does not dilute my fascination with them. Personally, I trust these paleontologists, and admire them for their years and years of dedicated study. But more than that, I can't forget these beings, these creatures of goliath, of terrifying beauty: they are true excitement. They have never faded but have stretched their existence across millions of years. They are perhaps the truly eternal, and I respect them for it.

Night drive.

Sometimes when I'm driving home late at night, and there is no one on the road, I like to pretend that orca whales are swimming in the lane next to mine, jumping in and out from the asphalt, and, because my car is black and small, they think I'm one of them and they accompany me home.

Velociraptors: Cats in scales.

I recently finished watching Jurassic Parks I and II. I was watching the crew members behind the scenes, creating from bones creatures that had been dead for 65 million years (give or take) and they based the dinosaur movements off of relatives of dinosaurs that are alive today: elephants, giraffes, crocodiles, and rhinos. (It was awesome; they were all running around committing to being the animals.)

Anyways with this in mind I was watching the scene in the second movie where the velociraptors are hiding in the long grass (like the clever girls they are) and I immediately giggled out, "CATS!"to which my sister agreed. Its the way they whip their tails about and crouch down, stalking their prey. And I knew that the film was trying to be accurate and therefore that is definitely how raptors move and I am positive that cats are distant relatives of a direct line.

It makes sense. First, cats enjoy killing for fun. Second, cats stalk their prey. Third, cats eat things while they are still alive. Fourth, they walk on the balls of their feet (and would love heels).

I'm looking into their ability to hunt as a horde (as raptors are known to do).

Raptors wear heels.

Thinking about the fashion show made me think about velociraptors walking the cat walk. And to be honest, that would be more entertaining than anything else coming down the cat walk.

But this leads to the problem of what velociraptors would wear for a fashion show. And I decided they would wear heels. And this is based solely on the way the raptors march around in Jurassic Park.

They're always up on the balls of their feet, right? Which obviously means that they're like Barbie and have feet perfectly molded for heels. Heels are really the only thing that you could be wearing on a night out that wouldn't inhibit you in a fight but actually help you. Personally, the first thing I always say after sliding into my leather heels is "Bam. Ready for damage." You don't want to be on the other end of my heeled boot if I'm on a rampage, and I'm just a tiny lady. Think of the raptor in heels. On a rampage.

Yeah.

So, a velociraptor fashion show would consist of raptors marching down the catwalk in heels (probably brown, because black heels would just clash with their scales, you know? Got to accentuate the scales, not overpower them with a stark black heel. OMG I could totally be a velociraptor fashion designer. Dream job.) And of course the cat walk would be white (at the beginning; later there would more than likely be blood spattered on it--new art!) and the smarter people would be farther away from the catwalk (for safety reasons) but of course the raptors would be on leather leashes that matched their boots. But, you know, they're clever girls, raptors...

It would be the fashion show of all centuries. Obviously.

Oh, it happened.

What you all don't realize is that the Rapture thing was a front. A front. A distraction from the bigger problem. Yes.

Yeah.


Bigger.



Raptor'd.



Across the world people have been raptor'd today in numbers far exceeding the smaller attacks that I have been telling of before now. And we saw it coming. But death is inevitable. So to distract the news, they (whoever is telling you it didn't happen is a 'they') put up a show foretelling the "rapture". A play on words you say? Wouldn't someone be suspicious? No. Because it is best to hide the truth in the open. It is the last place people will look for it.

But I submit to you now a call to arms. The raptors were not just attacking humans. They were attacking larger threats. Is your heart racing? Even if it isn't, those of whom we fear above all else will be able to hear it. Because...THEY'RE BACK. Not just velociraptors: from daemonosauras chauliodus to pterodactyls--and the t-rex should be the least of your worries. The real war has begun.

Join me. I have a few velociraptor prodigies with whom I am working to create a machine of some kind. A living, terrifying, blood thirsty machine.



Hope is useless. Action is all we have.

Velociraptor Pet

Blogging is weird. People, sharing little anecdotes of their life, not face to face, not via published narrative, not like a memoir or a autobiography, just little notes on daily activities that others might find interesting thus they are shared.

That being said, I would like a velociraptor for a pet. (I'm actually surprised I haven't written about pet velociraptors before...I guess I was too concerned with destroying them.)

Reason #1: Better than pepper spray, tasers, and hand guns. Concerned about walking around LA at night? No big deal, I'll have my velociraptor escort me home.

Reason #2: Transportation. I'd make a special saddle for it and we'd run about on the freeway at 50 miles/hour. And if a car cuts us off, my velociraptor eats it, one door at a time. Velociraptors are like tanks. We'd jump over traffic, running along the tops of cars, snapping at the semi trucks just to piss them off.

Reason #3: Vigilante work. (An added benefit: blood is on the creatures teeth instead of your hands.)

Reason #4: No one else has one (that I know of...).

Reason #5: Writing about having one is better than doing homework.

Reason #6: They're sneaky. Like if Gollum was a beast.

Reason #7: Clever girl.

Reason #8: If I had one as a pet, and I got attacked by a horde of them, it would protect me better than my bazooka ever could, and it would probably convince it's horde to join my cause, and then I'd have my own velociraptor horde, and the government would be mega jealous. Of course.

Reason #9: They may not have survived whatever disaster struck earth all those centuries ago, but having been brought back they can tell me what it was and in the off chance it happens again I'll be better prepared.

Reason #10: Scaling buildings.

I know, I know, ten reasons? You only needed one to justify getting one for a pet. Not that I'd ever give away the secret of obtaining a velociraptor pet. Not that I have one...

A Velociraptor Happy Eatser

Yes, Eatser. Today, for these harbingers of death--because they are the last thing you see before actually meeting Death herself--is a day of feasting. Be careful where you are letting the children wander.

Once upon a time, in a grand old land...

EATSER SUNDAY!

(Well, I made Christmas bloody, I'll try my hand at Easter).


Today is a dream for the velociraptor horde. They make their way across the green field, strewn with baby daffodils and dandelions, skipping upon their three toed feet that have foot long curved claws, their tails whipping gaily in the breeze and sunshine, chomping down on the furry creatures running for their lives, skipping some more across the field...if they had lips, they would be whistling.

Life is but a dream...

Velociraptors FTW

Today may or not be Velociraptor Awareness Day; for me, it is always Velociraptor Awareness Day, Velociraptor Awareness Forever. Because velociraptors don't pick just one day to attack you. Every day is "Attack Humans Day" for velociraptors. Especially Christmas.

I think, though, if some other people in the world are, just for today, wisely making themselves aware of the threat, then I should put forth extra effort in the fight against them. I think first I will reference my reader to previous posts--specifically the proper way to use a bazooka during a velociraptor horde attack (posted back in November): http://velociraptorapocalypse.blogspot.com/2010/11/penguin-velociraptor-llama-kill.html

There that's my first step towards the education of this day. Secondly, I would like to remind everyone that fighting is useless in the long run, if they are really out to get you, because, if they are, they will. This day could also be called Remember That You Are Doomed Day.

If you find a baby velociraptor keep it. We are still looking into how much training a dinosaur can take, to aid us in the fight. Perhaps these ruthless creatures can be used as tools.

Fourthly, well, I'll come back and update this later in the day. Good luck not getting eaten.

I think I might as well, in celebration of this day where more than a few people are thinking about dinosaurs all simultaneously, that I will also answer the question people keep asking me (only in part, as it is a complicated question, though it doesn't seem as though it would be) and that question is: Why velociraptors?

My answer is as follows: Power. It is simple enough. I am fascinated by creatures that carried some kind of power. My first and foremost fascination with dinosaurs comes from their power, their strength and goliath size that would easily overwhelm the slight powers of today.  And you might ask why I focus on velociraptors if the more obvious choice would be the largest and, seemingly, most blood-thirsty of the ancient beasts, the t-rex, and that answer, too, is simple: Power of the cunning mind. Excluding the mythologies raised by the Jurassic Park movies, velociraptors, though in actuality being rather small creatures, were cunning. That is where their true strength lies, I think, in that they were much smaller than a t-rex but there is evidence that a group of them would, in the past, take down the monsters for food. As stated in my previous post, or at least alluded to, one of the few things in life I can pin down as being worth striving for is power. We, as a collective human society, look back and only remember figures of power. To say otherwise is almost beyond a comprehensible sentence--what would I say? That we "do not look back and remember... non powerful beings"? It is hard to put the phrase on the tongue, because we remember power. And we remember those who were overpowered, because we focus on how power can be taken. Therefore, I write about velociraptors, because, in my own small way, I can see myself as writing about Power. And I use that as a vehicle for my own feelings and emotions, my own quirks and my own way of seeking humor on a day-to-day basis.

I think that is a simplified version, and it certainly leaves a lot out, a lot unexplained I suppose, but I think it is understandable at least.

However, it should also be said that the figures I find the most despicable in life were the ones solely seeking power. That is one of my fascinations with the whole thing. Why must we seek power? Is there anything else to seek? Why are we such shadows passing between?

I suppose this has taken a turn away from dinosaurs now and become rather self-reflective--and I try not to be self-reflective on this blog--but I felt inclined, for some reason, to share this all. I've been rather self-reflective lately. Perhaps I feel emboldened because most who would read this have become too busy. Perhaps I feel that someone stumbling across this might also be wondering about what it means to be a shadow, engulfed in the shade of others. At any rate, it can't hurt to share, sometimes, some things, I think; and I can always take this back off.

There are no dinosaurs.

None. They do not exist. They never made a come back. There are no velociraptors. There are no pterodactyls. The apocalypse is not coming, is not nigh, is not brought on by velociraptors and formerly extinct gigantic reptiles/flying monsters and such.

We actually live in a world where learning how to defend one's life is not taught, is not even mentioned as a useful skill in most societies. I can't even shoot a gun. I've wielded a minor sword only once. I've never had to defend myself against a dinosaur.

There is nothing to fear. You are all safe.




















April Fools.

The Lost Word

A strange package came to me in the mail today. Wrapped in brown paper, a tyrannosaurus rex was drawn upon the top. Within the package was a large book, similar in size to a bible, with pages gilded in gold and engraved upon the white cover are red leaves and another dinosaur of the aforementioned species. The title is engraved in black: "Jurassic Park: The Lost World."

Even now it sits beside my bed, and my mind races with eagerness and fear. I cannot tell what this could possibly imply...for months now I have been gathering information on my own, desperate for any clue to the suffering and the attacks. Now this book falls into my hands; I fear what knowledge it contains, but even more I fear of it falling into the wrong hands. I've come so close to a discovery, to an alliance even, to a hope...

Unto what world was lost, I now venture into, willingly and with open soul, and of this knowledge that I drink, if any shall prove dangerous to us, the human species, than that I shall withhold, and if any shall prove useful and good than that I shall divulge: you as my witness, my audience, dear reader, friend--trust in me, in this.


Tired now, and restless, never a good combination, wanting to at once run and lie down, move and stand still in the darkness being bothered now by buzzing lights. But I shall read, and read on.

“History never effaces what it buries…” Derrida

....this....because I went to the LA Zoo today....

"Do velociraptors celebrate St. Patrick's Day?" An excellent question.

Sure.

Are you aware of the myth that St. Patrick cleared lovely Ireland of snakes? It was actually the raptors.

If velociraptors drank....

They would prefer whiskey. Obviously. And maybe brandy. And they would be able to clear half a bar because their metabolic systems are so fast. They wouldn't dance on tables, they would eat the tables. They would have competitions as to who could chew the most glass cups before losing a tooth.

I read an article about dinosaurs recently (I know, weird for me to go all semi-factual) and it said velociraptors were actually probably smaller than we think, although no less dangerous (their teeth marks are found on some very large animals, let me tell you) and no less intelligent (....). But I actually liked this idea of them being smaller. It made them cuter. And by smaller I still mean bigger than your average large dog. And by smaller I mean if they put on a hat maybe they could pass for a human (Eddie Izzard, anyone?). Anyways, I say this to invite you into my imagination for a moment where there are twenty raptors the size of hobbits running around a bar, eating tables, chewing glass cups, and, because its St. Patrick's day, singing in their raptor voices and raptor language.

That is my Patty's Day gift to you.


But don't kiss the hobbit raptors, even if they say they're Irish.

"Clever Girl..." VELOCIRAPTOR: OWNS

Do Velociraptors Get Sick: A Close Study (and by close I mean totally made up from my head)


Why no, my dear sole reader, (Hayley? Colleen? It varies) velociraptors do not take ill. They do not get sicknesses.

That is what they would have you believe, at least. In truth, one that falls ill is immediately shunned from the group so that the weaker genes cannot affect the rest of the horde. They keep these acts secret, as it makes them look as though they could be fearful of something. I wouldn't call it fear, though; I would call it pride. "We shall not be sick creatures!" and then you get kicked off the island.

So if a velociraptor were to fall ill, in any sense of the word, they would try to hide it, and perhaps more than a few have done so successfully; the successful few are not known. Of what happens to the outcasts we do know: They wander, lonely, crying in voices that would literally stop your heart, longing for their horde. They are unable to kill, their will being lost to them, and they slowly fade into nothingness. If I were to attempt to win over a velociraptor to my side (er not that I would...) I would seek out the lonely ones, seek to restore to them their former bloodlust---of course a bloodlust for the evil at work in the universe. Maybe I would make them vegetarians...the possibilities are yet unknown.

Sickness has been on my mind of late, as my body seems bent on killing me or crushing my will to do anything. I'm glad I don't live in a society that casts out the ill. I'm also very appreciative of modern medicine. But being sick so frequently makes me feel so weak sometimes, and I feel as though I am fighting more than just a virus or bacteria or whatever. The mind and body are so connected, are they not?

Velociraptor: Dating

Side note time!
Velociraptor females lead the horde (I think it is basically the whole "queen ant/bee" idea). To understand in full what a female led horde of velociraptors is like, you need to read The Black Jewels Trilogy by Anne Bishop. Yeah. Its like that. The book is actually an incredibly strange view of what a world might look like if it had been run by females since the dawn of time. I remember the first time I read the series I was really trying to smoosh myself into a Christian mold of "femaleness" and in my sad little head I thought "Ah, I see, the world run by females would be disastrous I suppose..." *sad face*. Oh but it wouldn't, and read the book. Females freaking rule in it. And do some serious damage. And there is an incredible flip of God and Satan and demons and hell and death and dang I need to read it again and do another post on it that does more justice.

Anyways... Velociraptor Dating
Instead of flowers, they give little creatures like this guy:

Yeah, because velociraptors are bosses and have pets. This is what the creature looks like in the flesh. Believe it. So cute.

Oh, yes, they are known to eat their pets. 

That is a good way to start of a velociraptor date, the gift of a small creature that might be a tasty snack before dinner, or at least something to play with before dinner.

Velociraptors always make dinner for a first date. Well, bring dinner. No self respecting raptor is going to make their date venture out on a hunt for a first date. The male raptor, in his attempt to impress the female, usually brings a morsel that is enough for four, to show off his strength and so as to not appear cheap. The leftovers are sometimes given to the pet, if the pet survived that far. 

After dinner, the two raptors must engage in a wrestling match. It is a vicious fight, but also a dance. The pair face off, claws sharpened (the only thing a female raptor does before a date is sharpen her claws) and tails whipping for balance and to build momentum for the spring into the deadly battle. The female, being the stronger sex in this species, is expected to win; but the male is fighting for his life. If the male does win, the two will part, as that is a sure sign that their children will be weak. When the female wins, she has a choice: If the meal was satisfactory, and the male fought well, she won't kill him. If, however, he dissatisfied her, it is customary for the female to then dispose of the male. This is why it is rare for a velociraptor to go on a date. 

A Velociraptor Valentine

If velociraptors have any concept of what this day is, then I am sure they are pleased that it has much to do with killing. In fact, I am sure they are quite confused as to the human appreciation for the day. They must read through our history books and wonder that a day upon which multiple men of this name were martyred is a day we celebrate with roses and chocolates--not that velociraptors have any idea what chocolates are. And of course they can read (look, they somehow came back from the dead, therefore who's to say they can't read?) (I wonder if chocolate could be a way to win them over...)

But a velociraptor Valentine would look like...nonexistent. Dead roses everywhere. It is truly a massacre. (And I say this with a little dread, and refusing to think about the real St Valentine's Day massacre...oh humanity...*shudders*)

There, now I am truly in the spirit of the day. No? Alright, a velociraptor Valentine could possibly look like a Jewish Christmas. Or an atheist celebrating Easter. Weak comparisons...a velociraptor Valentine would actually look authentically like the day of the real Valentines of old, minus anyone sacrificing themselves for their religion, unless their religion is in someway affiliated with velociraptors needing to be destroyed and the person dies while in the process of trying to kill the raptors rather than running or deciding velociraptors are friendly...

Happy Day of Martyrdom Everyone!

What to do when a velociraptor does not immediately eat you.

In the event that a velociraptor does not immediately eat you, be cautious of the fact they may be waiting for more of the horde to come because perhaps it is not hungry but its friends are. Yes, studies show velociraptors can have friends. If you are feeling the way you felt when the Discovery channel compared great white sharks to wolves in that they travel in packs then you are feeling correctly: terrified. But there is, as always, another side to this nightmare: Maybe we can ally with them...

Therefore, in the event that a velociraptor does not immediately kill you, build a bonfire. Make sure your movements are slow so that the velociraptor does not think you are about to throw fire on it (although of course your flame thrower will be within easy reach). The fire is in the very likely chance that more raptors are coming. If more raptors do come, I suggest then flinging yourself into the fire, and then running, guns all firing, on fire through the forest. Most likely the raptors will not follow you. You are on fire. You are like a demon. And hopefully you remembered to wear your flame suit...the one that catches fire but protects your skin. Hair will grow back. Be sure to pull down flame proof mask.

But in the chance that you have come across a raptor who is not with its horde and for some reason is not eating you, then a very real and amazing thing may be happening, and, if you have the guts to do this very suicidal thing, try to communicate with it, as it is trying to communicate with you. Befriend the raptor? No, I'm not crazy. But there may be something in them that is waiting to tell us something...because there is another threat coming, friends, and the raptors may be wanting allies as much as we do...

Prophetic Dreams

I had a dream the other night in which I was fighting dinosaurs. My weapon of choice was a sword, which is odd, but what was odder (more odd?) was what I was fighting against.

It was terrifying. A group of us humans, scattered about like platoons from Napoleon's mind, but fewer and instead of fighting humans we were fighting beasts unlike anything I'd ever seen. Beasts akin to those Job must have been talking about. The skin was not pierce-able, they flew in and out of battle almost too fast for us to catch their movements. And they could breathe fire.

No, I have not strayed from dinosaurs. If anyone watched the discovery channel as a child, like I did, they would have seen a special on dinosaurs and how many scientists speculated that certain species had the ability to breathe fire, although whether or not they actually did was still questionable. It stemmed from the discovery of a strange bone in the throat of a dinosaur (although now if you look up "dinosaurs breathing fire" you'll just come across a bunch of bible references...in the future I'll look harder). All of this is basically irrelevant though, because I have had a dream, a prophecy of the future, and in that future is a great threat...

Pterodactyls that breathe fire. Yes, this was my dream. And we were hardly any match for the monsters, and why we had resorted to medieval war attire is still a question in my mind but I'm sure that will be discovered promptly. AND yes, I really did have this dream.

What this dream meant to me was that the future is bleak, and medieval (?) and definitely more than just velociraptors. But the meaning goes deeper...what is the velociraptors' place in our future...when the apocalypse comes, and I do believe it has already started, can my namesake, Alyssa Rides Raptors, become a reality...can perhaps the answer to the apocalypse BE velociraptors.

And so begins the new hope for us...I will go on this quest to discover what my name really means, for the good of mankind, for the very hope of a new era in which humans still exist, for the very monsters we have feared so much...


Velociraptor Apocalypse Begins.

Velociraptor Ate My Roommate

Well, maybe. I'm suspicious that this may have happened.

In other news! According to a recent (and alive, for now) source: Velociraptors drink tea. I'm looking into this. The source may be a velociraptor in disguise, or someone who favors their cause...

As of yesterday: Death toll: Thousands. Velociraptors hiding place: Unknown.

Keep your loved ones close, and your bazooka even closer.

Goodbye Home.

Leaving again. If, after college, I don't pick up my life and move for a span longer than five months I might feel empty. Wish I could stay. Wish winter break was longer.

It is probably better this way though as I am suspicious that the "raptor-ing" has begun in my area. It makes sense for them to strike this new year...this 2011...to bring on the end...

Places have been eerily empty. I went to the beach and I went shopping, I went to a well-known and usually crowded restaurant, I went to one of the largest airports in my state, but there was an absence of people, an absence and a silence.

I could feel the absence in the air, I could taste it. The quietness of usually loud places was more deafening than the usual loudness. Animals were sparse, seagulls stood, staring, uninterested in swooping at food, fighting amongst themselves with nothing edible or use-able in sight. I had been waiting for these signs, was un-alarmed when they presented themselves: after all, it had always ever been simply a matter of time.

So what will you do now...They are coming. They are already here.