Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
"Do velociraptors celebrate St. Patrick's Day?" An excellent question.
Sure.
Are you aware of the myth that St. Patrick cleared lovely Ireland of snakes? It was actually the raptors.
If velociraptors drank....
They would prefer whiskey. Obviously. And maybe brandy. And they would be able to clear half a bar because their metabolic systems are so fast. They wouldn't dance on tables, they would eat the tables. They would have competitions as to who could chew the most glass cups before losing a tooth.
I read an article about dinosaurs recently (I know, weird for me to go all semi-factual) and it said velociraptors were actually probably smaller than we think, although no less dangerous (their teeth marks are found on some very large animals, let me tell you) and no less intelligent (....). But I actually liked this idea of them being smaller. It made them cuter. And by smaller I still mean bigger than your average large dog. And by smaller I mean if they put on a hat maybe they could pass for a human (Eddie Izzard, anyone?). Anyways, I say this to invite you into my imagination for a moment where there are twenty raptors the size of hobbits running around a bar, eating tables, chewing glass cups, and, because its St. Patrick's day, singing in their raptor voices and raptor language.
That is my Patty's Day gift to you.
But don't kiss the hobbit raptors, even if they say they're Irish.
Are you aware of the myth that St. Patrick cleared lovely Ireland of snakes? It was actually the raptors.
If velociraptors drank....
They would prefer whiskey. Obviously. And maybe brandy. And they would be able to clear half a bar because their metabolic systems are so fast. They wouldn't dance on tables, they would eat the tables. They would have competitions as to who could chew the most glass cups before losing a tooth.
I read an article about dinosaurs recently (I know, weird for me to go all semi-factual) and it said velociraptors were actually probably smaller than we think, although no less dangerous (their teeth marks are found on some very large animals, let me tell you) and no less intelligent (....). But I actually liked this idea of them being smaller. It made them cuter. And by smaller I still mean bigger than your average large dog. And by smaller I mean if they put on a hat maybe they could pass for a human (Eddie Izzard, anyone?). Anyways, I say this to invite you into my imagination for a moment where there are twenty raptors the size of hobbits running around a bar, eating tables, chewing glass cups, and, because its St. Patrick's day, singing in their raptor voices and raptor language.
That is my Patty's Day gift to you.
But don't kiss the hobbit raptors, even if they say they're Irish.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
"Clever Girl..." VELOCIRAPTOR: OWNS
Do Velociraptors Get Sick: A Close Study (and by close I mean totally made up from my head)
Why no, my dear sole reader, (Hayley? Colleen? It varies) velociraptors do not take ill. They do not get sicknesses.
That is what they would have you believe, at least. In truth, one that falls ill is immediately shunned from the group so that the weaker genes cannot affect the rest of the horde. They keep these acts secret, as it makes them look as though they could be fearful of something. I wouldn't call it fear, though; I would call it pride. "We shall not be sick creatures!" and then you get kicked off the island.
So if a velociraptor were to fall ill, in any sense of the word, they would try to hide it, and perhaps more than a few have done so successfully; the successful few are not known. Of what happens to the outcasts we do know: They wander, lonely, crying in voices that would literally stop your heart, longing for their horde. They are unable to kill, their will being lost to them, and they slowly fade into nothingness. If I were to attempt to win over a velociraptor to my side (er not that I would...) I would seek out the lonely ones, seek to restore to them their former bloodlust---of course a bloodlust for the evil at work in the universe. Maybe I would make them vegetarians...the possibilities are yet unknown.
Sickness has been on my mind of late, as my body seems bent on killing me or crushing my will to do anything. I'm glad I don't live in a society that casts out the ill. I'm also very appreciative of modern medicine. But being sick so frequently makes me feel so weak sometimes, and I feel as though I am fighting more than just a virus or bacteria or whatever. The mind and body are so connected, are they not?
Why no, my dear sole reader, (Hayley? Colleen? It varies) velociraptors do not take ill. They do not get sicknesses.
That is what they would have you believe, at least. In truth, one that falls ill is immediately shunned from the group so that the weaker genes cannot affect the rest of the horde. They keep these acts secret, as it makes them look as though they could be fearful of something. I wouldn't call it fear, though; I would call it pride. "We shall not be sick creatures!" and then you get kicked off the island.
So if a velociraptor were to fall ill, in any sense of the word, they would try to hide it, and perhaps more than a few have done so successfully; the successful few are not known. Of what happens to the outcasts we do know: They wander, lonely, crying in voices that would literally stop your heart, longing for their horde. They are unable to kill, their will being lost to them, and they slowly fade into nothingness. If I were to attempt to win over a velociraptor to my side (er not that I would...) I would seek out the lonely ones, seek to restore to them their former bloodlust---of course a bloodlust for the evil at work in the universe. Maybe I would make them vegetarians...the possibilities are yet unknown.
Sickness has been on my mind of late, as my body seems bent on killing me or crushing my will to do anything. I'm glad I don't live in a society that casts out the ill. I'm also very appreciative of modern medicine. But being sick so frequently makes me feel so weak sometimes, and I feel as though I am fighting more than just a virus or bacteria or whatever. The mind and body are so connected, are they not?
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Velociraptor: Dating
Side note time!
Velociraptor females lead the horde (I think it is basically the whole "queen ant/bee" idea). To understand in full what a female led horde of velociraptors is like, you need to read The Black Jewels Trilogy by Anne Bishop. Yeah. Its like that. The book is actually an incredibly strange view of what a world might look like if it had been run by females since the dawn of time. I remember the first time I read the series I was really trying to smoosh myself into a Christian mold of "femaleness" and in my sad little head I thought "Ah, I see, the world run by females would be disastrous I suppose..." *sad face*. Oh but it wouldn't, and read the book. Females freaking rule in it. And do some serious damage. And there is an incredible flip of God and Satan and demons and hell and death and dang I need to read it again and do another post on it that does more justice.
Anyways... Velociraptor Dating
Instead of flowers, they give little creatures like this guy:
Velociraptor females lead the horde (I think it is basically the whole "queen ant/bee" idea). To understand in full what a female led horde of velociraptors is like, you need to read The Black Jewels Trilogy by Anne Bishop. Yeah. Its like that. The book is actually an incredibly strange view of what a world might look like if it had been run by females since the dawn of time. I remember the first time I read the series I was really trying to smoosh myself into a Christian mold of "femaleness" and in my sad little head I thought "Ah, I see, the world run by females would be disastrous I suppose..." *sad face*. Oh but it wouldn't, and read the book. Females freaking rule in it. And do some serious damage. And there is an incredible flip of God and Satan and demons and hell and death and dang I need to read it again and do another post on it that does more justice.
Anyways... Velociraptor Dating
Instead of flowers, they give little creatures like this guy:
Yeah, because velociraptors are bosses and have pets. This is what the creature looks like in the flesh. Believe it. So cute.
Oh, yes, they are known to eat their pets.
That is a good way to start of a velociraptor date, the gift of a small creature that might be a tasty snack before dinner, or at least something to play with before dinner.
Velociraptors always make dinner for a first date. Well, bring dinner. No self respecting raptor is going to make their date venture out on a hunt for a first date. The male raptor, in his attempt to impress the female, usually brings a morsel that is enough for four, to show off his strength and so as to not appear cheap. The leftovers are sometimes given to the pet, if the pet survived that far.
After dinner, the two raptors must engage in a wrestling match. It is a vicious fight, but also a dance. The pair face off, claws sharpened (the only thing a female raptor does before a date is sharpen her claws) and tails whipping for balance and to build momentum for the spring into the deadly battle. The female, being the stronger sex in this species, is expected to win; but the male is fighting for his life. If the male does win, the two will part, as that is a sure sign that their children will be weak. When the female wins, she has a choice: If the meal was satisfactory, and the male fought well, she won't kill him. If, however, he dissatisfied her, it is customary for the female to then dispose of the male. This is why it is rare for a velociraptor to go on a date.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
A Velociraptor Valentine
If velociraptors have any concept of what this day is, then I am sure they are pleased that it has much to do with killing. In fact, I am sure they are quite confused as to the human appreciation for the day. They must read through our history books and wonder that a day upon which multiple men of this name were martyred is a day we celebrate with roses and chocolates--not that velociraptors have any idea what chocolates are. And of course they can read (look, they somehow came back from the dead, therefore who's to say they can't read?) (I wonder if chocolate could be a way to win them over...)
But a velociraptor Valentine would look like...nonexistent. Dead roses everywhere. It is truly a massacre. (And I say this with a little dread, and refusing to think about the real St Valentine's Day massacre...oh humanity...*shudders*)
There, now I am truly in the spirit of the day. No? Alright, a velociraptor Valentine could possibly look like a Jewish Christmas. Or an atheist celebrating Easter. Weak comparisons...a velociraptor Valentine would actually look authentically like the day of the real Valentines of old, minus anyone sacrificing themselves for their religion, unless their religion is in someway affiliated with velociraptors needing to be destroyed and the person dies while in the process of trying to kill the raptors rather than running or deciding velociraptors are friendly...
Happy Day of Martyrdom Everyone!
But a velociraptor Valentine would look like...nonexistent. Dead roses everywhere. It is truly a massacre. (And I say this with a little dread, and refusing to think about the real St Valentine's Day massacre...oh humanity...*shudders*)
There, now I am truly in the spirit of the day. No? Alright, a velociraptor Valentine could possibly look like a Jewish Christmas. Or an atheist celebrating Easter. Weak comparisons...a velociraptor Valentine would actually look authentically like the day of the real Valentines of old, minus anyone sacrificing themselves for their religion, unless their religion is in someway affiliated with velociraptors needing to be destroyed and the person dies while in the process of trying to kill the raptors rather than running or deciding velociraptors are friendly...
Happy Day of Martyrdom Everyone!
Monday, February 7, 2011
What to do when a velociraptor does not immediately eat you.
In the event that a velociraptor does not immediately eat you, be cautious of the fact they may be waiting for more of the horde to come because perhaps it is not hungry but its friends are. Yes, studies show velociraptors can have friends. If you are feeling the way you felt when the Discovery channel compared great white sharks to wolves in that they travel in packs then you are feeling correctly: terrified. But there is, as always, another side to this nightmare: Maybe we can ally with them...
Therefore, in the event that a velociraptor does not immediately kill you, build a bonfire. Make sure your movements are slow so that the velociraptor does not think you are about to throw fire on it (although of course your flame thrower will be within easy reach). The fire is in the very likely chance that more raptors are coming. If more raptors do come, I suggest then flinging yourself into the fire, and then running, guns all firing, on fire through the forest. Most likely the raptors will not follow you. You are on fire. You are like a demon. And hopefully you remembered to wear your flame suit...the one that catches fire but protects your skin. Hair will grow back. Be sure to pull down flame proof mask.
But in the chance that you have come across a raptor who is not with its horde and for some reason is not eating you, then a very real and amazing thing may be happening, and, if you have the guts to do this very suicidal thing, try to communicate with it, as it is trying to communicate with you. Befriend the raptor? No, I'm not crazy. But there may be something in them that is waiting to tell us something...because there is another threat coming, friends, and the raptors may be wanting allies as much as we do...
Therefore, in the event that a velociraptor does not immediately kill you, build a bonfire. Make sure your movements are slow so that the velociraptor does not think you are about to throw fire on it (although of course your flame thrower will be within easy reach). The fire is in the very likely chance that more raptors are coming. If more raptors do come, I suggest then flinging yourself into the fire, and then running, guns all firing, on fire through the forest. Most likely the raptors will not follow you. You are on fire. You are like a demon. And hopefully you remembered to wear your flame suit...the one that catches fire but protects your skin. Hair will grow back. Be sure to pull down flame proof mask.
But in the chance that you have come across a raptor who is not with its horde and for some reason is not eating you, then a very real and amazing thing may be happening, and, if you have the guts to do this very suicidal thing, try to communicate with it, as it is trying to communicate with you. Befriend the raptor? No, I'm not crazy. But there may be something in them that is waiting to tell us something...because there is another threat coming, friends, and the raptors may be wanting allies as much as we do...
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