Thinking about the fashion show made me think about velociraptors walking the cat walk. And to be honest, that would be more entertaining than anything else coming down the cat walk.
But this leads to the problem of what velociraptors would wear for a fashion show. And I decided they would wear heels. And this is based solely on the way the raptors march around in Jurassic Park.
They're always up on the balls of their feet, right? Which obviously means that they're like Barbie and have feet perfectly molded for heels. Heels are really the only thing that you could be wearing on a night out that wouldn't inhibit you in a fight but actually help you. Personally, the first thing I always say after sliding into my leather heels is "Bam. Ready for damage." You don't want to be on the other end of my heeled boot if I'm on a rampage, and I'm just a tiny lady. Think of the raptor in heels. On a rampage.
Yeah.
So, a velociraptor fashion show would consist of raptors marching down the catwalk in heels (probably brown, because black heels would just clash with their scales, you know? Got to accentuate the scales, not overpower them with a stark black heel. OMG I could totally be a velociraptor fashion designer. Dream job.) And of course the cat walk would be white (at the beginning; later there would more than likely be blood spattered on it--new art!) and the smarter people would be farther away from the catwalk (for safety reasons) but of course the raptors would be on leather leashes that matched their boots. But, you know, they're clever girls, raptors...
It would be the fashion show of all centuries. Obviously.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Oh, it happened.
What you all don't realize is that the Rapture thing was a front. A front. A distraction from the bigger problem. Yes.
Yeah.
Bigger.
Raptor'd.
Across the world people have been raptor'd today in numbers far exceeding the smaller attacks that I have been telling of before now. And we saw it coming. But death is inevitable. So to distract the news, they (whoever is telling you it didn't happen is a 'they') put up a show foretelling the "rapture". A play on words you say? Wouldn't someone be suspicious? No. Because it is best to hide the truth in the open. It is the last place people will look for it.
But I submit to you now a call to arms. The raptors were not just attacking humans. They were attacking larger threats. Is your heart racing? Even if it isn't, those of whom we fear above all else will be able to hear it. Because...THEY'RE BACK. Not just velociraptors: from daemonosauras chauliodus to pterodactyls--and the t-rex should be the least of your worries. The real war has begun.
Join me. I have a few velociraptor prodigies with whom I am working to create a machine of some kind. A living, terrifying, blood thirsty machine.
Hope is useless. Action is all we have.
Yeah.
Bigger.
Raptor'd.
Across the world people have been raptor'd today in numbers far exceeding the smaller attacks that I have been telling of before now. And we saw it coming. But death is inevitable. So to distract the news, they (whoever is telling you it didn't happen is a 'they') put up a show foretelling the "rapture". A play on words you say? Wouldn't someone be suspicious? No. Because it is best to hide the truth in the open. It is the last place people will look for it.
But I submit to you now a call to arms. The raptors were not just attacking humans. They were attacking larger threats. Is your heart racing? Even if it isn't, those of whom we fear above all else will be able to hear it. Because...THEY'RE BACK. Not just velociraptors: from daemonosauras chauliodus to pterodactyls--and the t-rex should be the least of your worries. The real war has begun.
Join me. I have a few velociraptor prodigies with whom I am working to create a machine of some kind. A living, terrifying, blood thirsty machine.
Hope is useless. Action is all we have.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Velociraptor Pet
Blogging is weird. People, sharing little anecdotes of their life, not face to face, not via published narrative, not like a memoir or a autobiography, just little notes on daily activities that others might find interesting thus they are shared.
That being said, I would like a velociraptor for a pet. (I'm actually surprised I haven't written about pet velociraptors before...I guess I was too concerned with destroying them.)
Reason #1: Better than pepper spray, tasers, and hand guns. Concerned about walking around LA at night? No big deal, I'll have my velociraptor escort me home.
Reason #2: Transportation. I'd make a special saddle for it and we'd run about on the freeway at 50 miles/hour. And if a car cuts us off, my velociraptor eats it, one door at a time. Velociraptors are like tanks. We'd jump over traffic, running along the tops of cars, snapping at the semi trucks just to piss them off.
Reason #3: Vigilante work. (An added benefit: blood is on the creatures teeth instead of your hands.)
Reason #4: No one else has one (that I know of...).
Reason #5: Writing about having one is better than doing homework.
Reason #6: They're sneaky. Like if Gollum was a beast.
Reason #7: Clever girl.
Reason #8: If I had one as a pet, and I got attacked by a horde of them, it would protect me better than my bazooka ever could, and it would probably convince it's horde to join my cause, and then I'd have my own velociraptor horde, and the government would be mega jealous. Of course.
Reason #9: They may not have survived whatever disaster struck earth all those centuries ago, but having been brought back they can tell me what it was and in the off chance it happens again I'll be better prepared.
Reason #10: Scaling buildings.
I know, I know, ten reasons? You only needed one to justify getting one for a pet. Not that I'd ever give away the secret of obtaining a velociraptor pet. Not that I have one...
That being said, I would like a velociraptor for a pet. (I'm actually surprised I haven't written about pet velociraptors before...I guess I was too concerned with destroying them.)
Reason #1: Better than pepper spray, tasers, and hand guns. Concerned about walking around LA at night? No big deal, I'll have my velociraptor escort me home.
Reason #2: Transportation. I'd make a special saddle for it and we'd run about on the freeway at 50 miles/hour. And if a car cuts us off, my velociraptor eats it, one door at a time. Velociraptors are like tanks. We'd jump over traffic, running along the tops of cars, snapping at the semi trucks just to piss them off.
Reason #3: Vigilante work. (An added benefit: blood is on the creatures teeth instead of your hands.)
Reason #4: No one else has one (that I know of...).
Reason #5: Writing about having one is better than doing homework.
Reason #6: They're sneaky. Like if Gollum was a beast.
Reason #7: Clever girl.
Reason #8: If I had one as a pet, and I got attacked by a horde of them, it would protect me better than my bazooka ever could, and it would probably convince it's horde to join my cause, and then I'd have my own velociraptor horde, and the government would be mega jealous. Of course.
Reason #9: They may not have survived whatever disaster struck earth all those centuries ago, but having been brought back they can tell me what it was and in the off chance it happens again I'll be better prepared.
Reason #10: Scaling buildings.
I know, I know, ten reasons? You only needed one to justify getting one for a pet. Not that I'd ever give away the secret of obtaining a velociraptor pet. Not that I have one...
Sunday, April 24, 2011
A Velociraptor Happy Eatser
Yes, Eatser. Today, for these harbingers of death--because they are the last thing you see before actually meeting Death herself--is a day of feasting. Be careful where you are letting the children wander.
Once upon a time, in a grand old land...
EATSER SUNDAY!
(Well, I made Christmas bloody, I'll try my hand at Easter).
Today is a dream for the velociraptor horde. They make their way across the green field, strewn with baby daffodils and dandelions, skipping upon their three toed feet that have foot long curved claws, their tails whipping gaily in the breeze and sunshine, chomping down on the furry creatures running for their lives, skipping some more across the field...if they had lips, they would be whistling.
Life is but a dream...
Once upon a time, in a grand old land...
EATSER SUNDAY!
(Well, I made Christmas bloody, I'll try my hand at Easter).
Today is a dream for the velociraptor horde. They make their way across the green field, strewn with baby daffodils and dandelions, skipping upon their three toed feet that have foot long curved claws, their tails whipping gaily in the breeze and sunshine, chomping down on the furry creatures running for their lives, skipping some more across the field...if they had lips, they would be whistling.
Life is but a dream...
Monday, April 18, 2011
Velociraptors FTW
Today may or not be Velociraptor Awareness Day; for me, it is always Velociraptor Awareness Day, Velociraptor Awareness Forever. Because velociraptors don't pick just one day to attack you. Every day is "Attack Humans Day" for velociraptors. Especially Christmas.
I think, though, if some other people in the world are, just for today, wisely making themselves aware of the threat, then I should put forth extra effort in the fight against them. I think first I will reference my reader to previous posts--specifically the proper way to use a bazooka during a velociraptor horde attack (posted back in November): http://velociraptorapocalypse.blogspot.com/2010/11/penguin-velociraptor-llama-kill.html
There that's my first step towards the education of this day. Secondly, I would like to remind everyone that fighting is useless in the long run, if they are really out to get you, because, if they are, they will. This day could also be called Remember That You Are Doomed Day.
If you find a baby velociraptor keep it. We are still looking into how much training a dinosaur can take, to aid us in the fight. Perhaps these ruthless creatures can be used as tools.
Fourthly, well, I'll come back and update this later in the day. Good luck not getting eaten.
I think I might as well, in celebration of this day where more than a few people are thinking about dinosaurs all simultaneously, that I will also answer the question people keep asking me (only in part, as it is a complicated question, though it doesn't seem as though it would be) and that question is: Why velociraptors?
My answer is as follows: Power. It is simple enough. I am fascinated by creatures that carried some kind of power. My first and foremost fascination with dinosaurs comes from their power, their strength and goliath size that would easily overwhelm the slight powers of today. And you might ask why I focus on velociraptors if the more obvious choice would be the largest and, seemingly, most blood-thirsty of the ancient beasts, the t-rex, and that answer, too, is simple: Power of the cunning mind. Excluding the mythologies raised by the Jurassic Park movies, velociraptors, though in actuality being rather small creatures, were cunning. That is where their true strength lies, I think, in that they were much smaller than a t-rex but there is evidence that a group of them would, in the past, take down the monsters for food. As stated in my previous post, or at least alluded to, one of the few things in life I can pin down as being worth striving for is power. We, as a collective human society, look back and only remember figures of power. To say otherwise is almost beyond a comprehensible sentence--what would I say? That we "do not look back and remember... non powerful beings"? It is hard to put the phrase on the tongue, because we remember power. And we remember those who were overpowered, because we focus on how power can be taken. Therefore, I write about velociraptors, because, in my own small way, I can see myself as writing about Power. And I use that as a vehicle for my own feelings and emotions, my own quirks and my own way of seeking humor on a day-to-day basis.
I think that is a simplified version, and it certainly leaves a lot out, a lot unexplained I suppose, but I think it is understandable at least.
However, it should also be said that the figures I find the most despicable in life were the ones solely seeking power. That is one of my fascinations with the whole thing. Why must we seek power? Is there anything else to seek? Why are we such shadows passing between?
I suppose this has taken a turn away from dinosaurs now and become rather self-reflective--and I try not to be self-reflective on this blog--but I felt inclined, for some reason, to share this all. I've been rather self-reflective lately. Perhaps I feel emboldened because most who would read this have become too busy. Perhaps I feel that someone stumbling across this might also be wondering about what it means to be a shadow, engulfed in the shade of others. At any rate, it can't hurt to share, sometimes, some things, I think; and I can always take this back off.
I think, though, if some other people in the world are, just for today, wisely making themselves aware of the threat, then I should put forth extra effort in the fight against them. I think first I will reference my reader to previous posts--specifically the proper way to use a bazooka during a velociraptor horde attack (posted back in November): http://velociraptorapocalypse.blogspot.com/2010/11/penguin-velociraptor-llama-kill.html
There that's my first step towards the education of this day. Secondly, I would like to remind everyone that fighting is useless in the long run, if they are really out to get you, because, if they are, they will. This day could also be called Remember That You Are Doomed Day.
If you find a baby velociraptor keep it. We are still looking into how much training a dinosaur can take, to aid us in the fight. Perhaps these ruthless creatures can be used as tools.
Fourthly, well, I'll come back and update this later in the day. Good luck not getting eaten.
I think I might as well, in celebration of this day where more than a few people are thinking about dinosaurs all simultaneously, that I will also answer the question people keep asking me (only in part, as it is a complicated question, though it doesn't seem as though it would be) and that question is: Why velociraptors?
My answer is as follows: Power. It is simple enough. I am fascinated by creatures that carried some kind of power. My first and foremost fascination with dinosaurs comes from their power, their strength and goliath size that would easily overwhelm the slight powers of today. And you might ask why I focus on velociraptors if the more obvious choice would be the largest and, seemingly, most blood-thirsty of the ancient beasts, the t-rex, and that answer, too, is simple: Power of the cunning mind. Excluding the mythologies raised by the Jurassic Park movies, velociraptors, though in actuality being rather small creatures, were cunning. That is where their true strength lies, I think, in that they were much smaller than a t-rex but there is evidence that a group of them would, in the past, take down the monsters for food. As stated in my previous post, or at least alluded to, one of the few things in life I can pin down as being worth striving for is power. We, as a collective human society, look back and only remember figures of power. To say otherwise is almost beyond a comprehensible sentence--what would I say? That we "do not look back and remember... non powerful beings"? It is hard to put the phrase on the tongue, because we remember power. And we remember those who were overpowered, because we focus on how power can be taken. Therefore, I write about velociraptors, because, in my own small way, I can see myself as writing about Power. And I use that as a vehicle for my own feelings and emotions, my own quirks and my own way of seeking humor on a day-to-day basis.
I think that is a simplified version, and it certainly leaves a lot out, a lot unexplained I suppose, but I think it is understandable at least.
However, it should also be said that the figures I find the most despicable in life were the ones solely seeking power. That is one of my fascinations with the whole thing. Why must we seek power? Is there anything else to seek? Why are we such shadows passing between?
I suppose this has taken a turn away from dinosaurs now and become rather self-reflective--and I try not to be self-reflective on this blog--but I felt inclined, for some reason, to share this all. I've been rather self-reflective lately. Perhaps I feel emboldened because most who would read this have become too busy. Perhaps I feel that someone stumbling across this might also be wondering about what it means to be a shadow, engulfed in the shade of others. At any rate, it can't hurt to share, sometimes, some things, I think; and I can always take this back off.
Friday, April 1, 2011
There are no dinosaurs.
None. They do not exist. They never made a come back. There are no velociraptors. There are no pterodactyls. The apocalypse is not coming, is not nigh, is not brought on by velociraptors and formerly extinct gigantic reptiles/flying monsters and such.
We actually live in a world where learning how to defend one's life is not taught, is not even mentioned as a useful skill in most societies. I can't even shoot a gun. I've wielded a minor sword only once. I've never had to defend myself against a dinosaur.
There is nothing to fear. You are all safe.
April Fools.
We actually live in a world where learning how to defend one's life is not taught, is not even mentioned as a useful skill in most societies. I can't even shoot a gun. I've wielded a minor sword only once. I've never had to defend myself against a dinosaur.
There is nothing to fear. You are all safe.
April Fools.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
The Lost Word
A strange package came to me in the mail today. Wrapped in brown paper, a tyrannosaurus rex was drawn upon the top. Within the package was a large book, similar in size to a bible, with pages gilded in gold and engraved upon the white cover are red leaves and another dinosaur of the aforementioned species. The title is engraved in black: "Jurassic Park: The Lost World."
Even now it sits beside my bed, and my mind races with eagerness and fear. I cannot tell what this could possibly imply...for months now I have been gathering information on my own, desperate for any clue to the suffering and the attacks. Now this book falls into my hands; I fear what knowledge it contains, but even more I fear of it falling into the wrong hands. I've come so close to a discovery, to an alliance even, to a hope...
Unto what world was lost, I now venture into, willingly and with open soul, and of this knowledge that I drink, if any shall prove dangerous to us, the human species, than that I shall withhold, and if any shall prove useful and good than that I shall divulge: you as my witness, my audience, dear reader, friend--trust in me, in this.
Tired now, and restless, never a good combination, wanting to at once run and lie down, move and stand still in the darkness being bothered now by buzzing lights. But I shall read, and read on.
Even now it sits beside my bed, and my mind races with eagerness and fear. I cannot tell what this could possibly imply...for months now I have been gathering information on my own, desperate for any clue to the suffering and the attacks. Now this book falls into my hands; I fear what knowledge it contains, but even more I fear of it falling into the wrong hands. I've come so close to a discovery, to an alliance even, to a hope...
Unto what world was lost, I now venture into, willingly and with open soul, and of this knowledge that I drink, if any shall prove dangerous to us, the human species, than that I shall withhold, and if any shall prove useful and good than that I shall divulge: you as my witness, my audience, dear reader, friend--trust in me, in this.
Tired now, and restless, never a good combination, wanting to at once run and lie down, move and stand still in the darkness being bothered now by buzzing lights. But I shall read, and read on.
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