How A Velociraptor Celebrates Christmas

Step One: Buy Santa suit. As I warned everyone before, the white of a velociraptor Santa suit never stays white for very long--it gets stained with blood and the darkness from their souls.

Step Two: Buy Santa sack, to carry home the humans in.

Step Three: Go down chimneys, in through windows and doors, and kill humans, stuffing them into sack.

Step Four: Come home, sit baby raptors upon knee, and, while sharing the goods, tell about the very first Christmas...

"Well, little raptors," says Daddy Raptor, "It was a great day for all. We had heard that humans actually expect things to come into their houses on this day. It was a miracle, the first Christmas miracle. With the world asleep, we made our first Christmas meal. Here's to the first Christmas!"

If you did not read my earlier post, I strongly suggest you do so. I put in a very detailed depiction of Santa Raptor vs Santa Claus, as the two in their hats look eerily similar in the dark. Memorize the differences. And buy those bazookas.

Merry Christmas Eve!!!

Today Is Not My Birthday.

But yesterday was. I'm officially 21.

That means I can go out and buy myself a drink. Except not because my license just expired today.

In other news, a velociraptor was sighted consuming a cornfield just last week. You all thought it was aliens leaving the signs didn't you, didn't you? Another government ploy to distract us from the real threat. The farmers have taken no steps towards preventing this--that would be suicide, if there are even any left alive. Just imagine: A velociraptor horde completely concealed in a cornfield. Terrifying. Let that image rest in your mind, think of the quiet field, the stalks blocking out all peripheral vision. You are lost in the maze and there is a sound...was it the wind? You call out. Then try to swallow your sounds from the air because maybe its better if whatever is out there doesn't know you're in here. Its too late. They can smell you...

....

.....

Sweet dreams tonight!

Kristen wanted me to draw her beating up Lady Gaga

I know, I know: Mad Skills. That's what I have.

Associated Members

My school hosts free concerts in the dining area. There seems to be a rule though: If you walk in alone, people stare at you searching, are you sure you belong here? they say. Are you properly associated with this band? Their stares make me feel unwanted, foreign. Or maybe I only think they are searching because I have this overbearing loneliness that started in my chest and crept through to my thoughts.

Associated. The posters and the band t-shirts are all there to buy so that students can associate with something. We must associate. We have a need to associate ourselves with other people, other things. We don't walk the world speaking of things no one else likes or has heard of. We like to be reassured that they have heard of it too. I like this band, I advertise for it on my shirt. You see my shirt and you mention that you too know that band. You associate yourself with something I like. I feel associated with. We become associates. That can lead to friendships.

Friendships are better because in a friendship we are not simply associating, we are sharing. I share myself with you, my friend. We are always wanting to share ourselves. Wanting to tell about ourselves and wanting to hear about others. We want to share and we want to be shared with. That is how we love.

Love is the ultimate form of sharing. Sharing not simply our ideas and likes, our associations, but ourselves. Sharing our bodies, sharing our hearts. That's what we want the most. It is why we associate. So we can share. So we can love.

The music played behind me. I sat alone. Disassociated. Until a friend came by to say hello. And we talked about a class, class being a way we could associate with each other.



The other night when I was walking back to my dorm I saw a light post in the snow, driven there by a snow plow. I was surprised to see it was lit. As I got closer, the light went out. I stood beside it and told it I do believe in fairies, I do and it got brighter. I left it there, a light struggling between brightening more and dying out altogether.

Penguin Velociraptor Llama Kill

I was thinking that it might be a good idea to come up with steps for escaping a velociraptor in the event that one might be caught alone and unawares and be lucky enough to only have to deal with one dinosaur (all highly unlikely, but they prepared for nuclear bombs by climbing under school desks, so what the heck, yes?)

Step One: Assume velociraptor like pose. Raise arms to chest level, hands hanging down to give the illusion of long claws, mouth open in a growl. This will confuse the dinosaur: it will wonder what you are doing and give you a moment to perform step two.

Step Two: Slowly reach into backpack and remove bazooka. Oh you don't have a bazooka? You're screwed.

Step Three: Tell the raptor it is now your captive and that you will be using it as leverage in making it out alive from the velociraptor horde. It will understand this to mean that you have something large on your shoulder pointed at its chest. Show raptor what bazooka can do by blasting a tree. This will startle the velociraptor that was creeping up behind you. Take out fake human arm from backpack and throw it behind you to distract the creeping raptor. Begin to move in a circle a la standoff with the original raptor. The tree you blasted will have begun to fall. Wait for the creak of the last remaining bark to snap. The fall will most likely get the third raptor that was in the bushes or at least give it an obstacle. Blast the velociraptor that went after the fake arm. Now the first raptor knows you mean business. It will cock it's head at you. You will cock the bazooka at its head. Whatever you do, don't run. Always be in a continuous circular motion, widening slightly your circle inch by inch.

Step Four: Take out your lighter and light it. The sudden small flame will startle the velociraptor. While it is confused, blast the raptor that has now gotten free from the fallen tree. Smother the raptor in gasoline from backpack and light it. There is nothing a velociraptor hates more than the smell of velociraptor flesh burning. It drives it mad, visions of the original Armageddon that terminated the velociraptor race will flash through its mind. This is your chance. While chaos ensues and the horde is overcome with brain malfunctions, run. Now is the proper time for running.

Step Five: You are running. Be sure to put bazooka on safety before running. You have approximately three minutes to make it half a mile from the velociraptor horde before they will gain composure and chase after you with a vengeance. You have escaped with your life, but not without the entire velociraptor race carrying a vendetta against you. Once you have gained the half mile, send a signal out to your army. The war is on.

Noms!!!!!

I had a fantastic Thanksgiving with people I didn't know but instantly liked. I've grown used to sitting on the couches of strangers and acting like I belong. This might be a good thing?

I am so thankful Sarah took me home with her. We spent the week/weekend attacking Bowser and his minions and dancing with her mom. My arms are so sore. Her dad says I am the cat whisperer: her antisocial cat curled up and kept me warm all night. Basically I am the cat whisperer. Stray cats seem to find me...

Once I stepped out of a car and a cat came to me from the darkness. Another time I kidnapped a cat, that was willing to come with me, and took it to In N Out, because where else would cats want to go? And yet another time, a cat that was apparently the neighborhood terror climbed into my lap voluntarily. Visions of Cat Woman being eaten by cats so as to achieve nine lives flashed through my head. As did Christoper Walken. They put so much makeup up on him in that movie. Love Tim Burton.

So basically I think I should and probably will have a cat army. It is better than a shark army. Sharks aren't very bright and they are in constant need of water--apparently evolving the muscular legs and being on fire does not keep them from needing water. (I actually think they don't like being on fire, sad times: I like lighting things on fire.) This means they are too much of a hassle. Now cats are more scrappy. I heard of a cat living inside a sofa for two weeks. This is what I need in my army. And I'm pretty sure I've seen a cat carrying a flamethrower. A+.

Death by Kidney Failure

I spent last week battling sickness, but finally succumbed to the inevitable on Friday morning, when I couldn't stand up straight and had to hobble around, and went in to the health center for drugs (They told me in the past, in the condition I was in, they would've sent me to the hospital. But with today's awesome drugs, I didn't have to go, yay! I did have to suffer kidney seizures.) As I hobbled around campus, I had a vision of myself as that old woman who voyagers walk up to and ask for prophelific advice--like I would give them three identical sticks and ask them to choose and then give them a parable about how their choice means they will become king or something. But no one came up to me. I blame this on the fact that I didn't have a cane. Or three sticks.

Anyways I'm feeling a lot better now, which brings me to my next and latest thought on velociraptors: marriage.

I was talking to a friend, about something I no longer remember, and somehow we got on wedding dresses and vampires and I remember exclaiming "velociraptors in wedding dresses!" (I said a lot of stuff that I don't clearly remember this week due to being in a fever/pain/dying haze.) Obviously velociraptors have very ceremonious weddings, the kind I'll have to think up later when I don't have a 7-10 page paper to write, but I wanted to put that image in your head: velociraptors wearing wedding dresses. I'm sure I'll try, and fail, to draw this at some point this week. Stay tuned!

I would also like to leave you with this image: Earwigs in wigs.

I was at a dinner party thing last night and somehow the universal hatred and disgust towards earwigs entered the conversation and all I could think about was earwigs wearing wigs and somehow this made them less scary. I shared the image with the group and a few shared my sentiment; give them wigs, they become more understandable, or relatable. Or something. I mean, imagine them, wandering around, a Cher wig in place, worrying about the wind blowing it off, talking to each other about the latest wig style.

And then it hit me: earwigs in wigs in my army. It would be perfect. They would be in hiding and then whip off their wigs and attack.

So yes, velociraptors in wedding dresses and earwigs in wigs. Happy Sunday.